


Darkness

by CaremKefo



Series: Recovery [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Love, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26733847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaremKefo/pseuds/CaremKefo
Summary: When Bucky's guilt threatens to overwhelm him, Steve does his best to comfort and reassure him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Recovery [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/466732
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this years ago and apparently never posted it? Idk why. But have the conclusion to my 'Recovery' trilogy that I started over 6 years ago.

" _The light of love drives away the darkness of guilt._ " — Paulo Coelho

* * *

The hot summer air didn't cool entirely at night, so they lay in bed with the covers around their ankles. Bucky lay awake, watching the rise and fall of Steve's chest as he slept. Moonlight filtered through the curtains, and he could make out a silvery scar across his abdomen, where a bullet had torn through his skin.

Gently, so as not to wake Steve, he trailed his fingers across it.

Steve huffed. "Hmm. That tickles."

Bucky withdrew his hand. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"I was already awake," Steve told him, without opening his eyes. "You think I can sleep in this heat?"

They lay there in silence for a long moment.

"I did that," Bucky admitted quietly.

"What?"

He rubbed his fingers across the scar again. "That was me."

"That wasn't you," Steve stated, too tired to argue.

But Bucky was insistent. "I remember."

Steve rolled over onto his side to face him. "That was them."

 _Them._ Those who had tortured him, brainwashed him, and moulded him until he was a cold-hearted killer.

"It was my finger that pulled the trigger," Bucky argued, knowing that it was pointless. Steve would never hold him responsible for the crimes Hydra made him commit.

With a heavy sigh, Steve propped himself up on his elbow. " _It wasn't you._ " When Bucky said nothing he reached out, trailing a finger along his strong jaw. "You'd never hurt me, Buck."

"But I did. I have."

Steve hesitated for a second, before pressing his lips to the corner of Bucky's mouth. Sometimes he forgot he was allowed to do that, now; that times had changed enough in the last seventy years that he could walk down the street, holding his best friend's hand, and the only reason people would stare is because he's Captain America. It would have nothing to do with the fact that they were a same-sex couple. _This_ was what freedom felt like. He just never thought he'd live to see it. It was bigger than anything he'd fought for.

Bucky stared at him as he pulled away. "Why couldn't I have just _died_?" he whispered, not expecting an answer.

Steve frowned.

"Then they wouldn't have been able to make me into this... this _monster_."

"You're not a monster, Buck."

But Bucky wasn't listening to him. "I wouldn't have hurt innocent people. I wouldn't have _killed_ them."

There was an unhappy whimpering from the foot of the bed, then Hope crawled up into the narrow space between them. She sniffed at Bucky's tears, licking them away.

"See?" Steve grinned. "Even Hope agrees with me. You shouldn't have to feel guilty about the things Hydra made you do, because that wasn't you. _They're_ the killers. You were just the weapon."

Hope moved her attention to Bucky's stump. He'd removed his arm not long after Tony had repaired it, wanting to distance himself from _that_ version of himself.

One hand ruffling the top of her head, Steve stroked Bucky's hair with his other. "Why can't you see what a good person you are?"

Bucky screwed his eyes shut as fresh tears fell. "Because..." he whispered brokenly. "Because I can't forget all the _horrors_ I've committed."

"You didn't have a choice when you did those things."

"I know," Bucky said. "But I still did them."

Steve couldn't argue with that. He just wished that Bucky could see that it didn't _matter._ Not to him. And that it _shouldn't_ matter to anyone else. Gently he nudged Hope out of the way.

Letting out a low whine in protest, she clambered over Bucky to lie on his other side.

Steve shuffled closer, leaning over and kissing his lover.

Greedily, Bucky kissed him back, hungry for him like whatever they shared might suddenly be lost to him. With his one hand he gripped his hip tightly, pulling him closer.

"You're gonna leave a bruise," Steve smiled.

Bucky's grip didn't let up. Steve was the forbidden fruit - the temptation he gave in to every time, but wasn't allowed to have. He didn't deserve this, but he _wanted_ it. He'd taken moments like this away from so many people, that to have what they'd lost - what he'd taken from them - was abhorrent.

Gently Steve's thumbs caressed his cheeks, wiping away his tears.

"Hey, hey, hey," he soothed. "It's okay. You're okay."

Bucky buried his face in Steve's shoulder, unable to look at him yet also unable to turn away from him.

Two strong arms wrapped around him as he wept, cradling him until dawn brightened the room. He wept not for himself, but for the lives he'd ruined. Before, he'd wanted to be a soldier; wanted to save lives and, okay, maybe win a few hearts along the way. He'd never realised that he'd always had the one heart that truly mattered to him.


End file.
